Tales of Fatherhood: Part 2

Continued…

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How to Approach Parenting When You Have Multiple Kids

No one parenting style fits all.

Devonte: “My first one was very chill, very laid back, very logical. We have a lot of common ground in a lot of logical areas and artsy areas.”

“My middle son, we have a lot of common ground in the martial arts and in the physical/athletic area, but he also has a lot more emotion. So, it’s been two completely different raisings of them. With my second son he’s revealed to me that he’s picking up a lot of my characteristics emotionally with his anger sometimes and his pushiness and yelling and what not, so I find that it’s not as simple as it was raising my oldest. It’s not as simple as let me just tell you to do this. It’s more so we have to sit down and have a discussion so that I’m not fully hurting his feelings and that he feels he’s emotionally heard and that he’s understanding his anger. My second son has also revealed to me more about myself to make me kind of change my ways and reflect on how I needed to basically become a better person.  I would see a lot of the traits that I didn’t want to see in him in myself as well so of course that means I need to change me because the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

When it comes to raising my youngest, it’s been kind of more of a challenge because he was babied for the first year but at the same time he was also seeing that his older brothers are doing all of these things. He wants to be an adult, or he wants to be a big boy. He thinks he’s a big boy but sometimes he still behaves like a baby but he’s right on that cusp.”

“So, I guess each one of my kids have definitely all taught me something different. Its honestly been a wonderous challenge, that’s how I see it. Each kid has pushed me to become a better person in their own individual way. They force me to become creative. I can’t discipline them the same, I can’t treat them the same, we don’t do the same activities all of us. We have certain sessions where we do things together but they’re big on their independence so they like being their own person. They don’t always want to do what their brothers are doing. They taught me there’s no one size fits all to parenting. There’s no one size fits people in general.”

Having one-on-one time with each of your kids

“It’s the greatest thing. We do daddy days. On daddy day I try to tailor it to be as specific to what their interest is as possible. So, like my oldest son, he’s really big into cosplay. He loves creating costumes. He’s not all advanced into it yet but he loves just the idea of making stuff, so we’ll do daddy days and I try to set it up to where we’ll go buy some supplies or we might do something that has to do with us building some type of cosplay uniform or any type of weapon.

My middle son, he loves martial arts, he’s athletic. So, I try to tailor our daddy days to doing gymnastics and martial arts and what not.

My youngest son, he’s still kind of figuring out what he likes so we kind of just do whatever, but I’ve seen that it helps them feel like they’re actually growing in things that they like to do they feel like they’re getting better they’re doing what they like to do on a regular basis and it almost helps them set goals.

We don’t do it as often as I want to because it’s still a pain in a butt to kind of manage to do the daddy days and keep up with all the stuff but whenever we do get them done they have a blast.”

Challenges

How to find a way to pursue your goals and dreams while still being as present and active as possible in your child’s life.

James: “Through sacrifice. You have to let a lot of things go. I was out of school for like two years because I had to focus on being a father and getting myself together. I had to lose some friends and I had to stop doing certain things just to become a better dad.”

Becoming a man through fatherhood, being an every-day dad.

James: “When I had my son, I was still in college, still just doing whatever. When my daughter came it was during Covid and it was the first time in my life where the world was on my shoulders because my daughter’s mom wasn’t working so everything was on me. I was going from job to job just to try to make ends meet so we could move together so I could make sure that she would have everything she was going to need. 

When she arrived, her due date was October. My daughter was a premature baby and she actually came in July so that put a lot more pressure on me to get things together quickly. I felt during that process that when I truly became a man I truly found myself as a dad. I realized that this is what sacrifice is, this is what just hard work is when you’re putting everything on the line and doing everything you can just to make sure your kids are well taken care of.  

I believe when my daughter came it really put me in the mindset of wow ‘this is really the life of a father’. Like I said, that was the first time I was a full-time dad where I’m seeing my daughter every day. I’m sleeping with her, I’m waking up in the middle of the night when she’s crying. That was another aspect of it that really took me into manhood. Man, this time I was 27…  so that’s crazy that I felt like at 27 I really truly became a man at that time.”

When your child lives in another city.

James: “With my son it was the obstacles of being a dad virtually because he doesn’t live with me so still creating that one-on-one time and cherishing those special moments and being able to teach him things through the phone when I only get him twice a month. That was another challenge I was dealing with as well.”

Realizing it isn’t easy to balance work and home life.

Devonte: “I learned more so what I didn’t want than anything. I learned what type of family environment I didn’t want to have because I was just seeing things. I grew up in a household where my parents were away working on a normal basis so I didn’t see them as often… so coming into that as a dad working for the military and the marine corps we worked a lot of 12 hour days so it made me see that it wasn’t as easy balancing home and work life as I thought it would be.”

Truly learning how to take care of someone else.

Zachary: “I would say just really taking care of another human being I think especially since I’m an only child. I’ve always had to just take care of myself so it’s really just an adjustment of ‘ok I have to make sure he’s bathed, he’s fed, because he can’t do anything,’ so I have to really do everything for him so just that learning process of everything has been the most difficult but also the most rewarding.”

Co-Parenting

Putting your child first. 

James: “It’s definitely a challenge because you have to lose your ego and your pride at times, or you have to be willing to take a L and keep your mouth shut for the sake of the child. A lot of times in those situations the child is the one who suffers when you’re bickering, going back and forth with the co-parent. So, I had to realize that by winning any battles or any arguments in the end I’m still hurting my child.”

“The way I balanced it was just I put him first in everything. I realized this is about my son. This isn’t about me, or my feelings, or my emotions or what I have going on. It’s about making sure that I’m doing everything that I can to keep you safe whether I’m doing it through the phone or in person.”

Anthony: “Parents allow their emotions and feelings to get in the way instead of focusing on the child. We’ve already lived our lives. We’re still living and learning but as children being molded into adults we have to focus more on them. We have to get our feelings and emotions out of the way.”

“So that’s my main focus. I focus on both of my sons. Anything that the mother needs no matter our differences, anything the stepfather needs, all they have to do is contact me, all I have to do is contact them and I’ll be there for them in any way, any shape, any form. I think that’s the problem with society and co-parenting. You did this to me, so I’m going to take it out on you but we’re really hurting the children.”

Stepping Up

Raising a child as your own. 

Anthony: “I look at it no differently. All children need love and care and I look at him as if he was my son. When I’m talking to a stranger or any other person, he’s my son.”

“If you have different levels or standards or categories for raising a child you treat them differently. If you label them differently you’ll probably treat them differently. I treat both of my sons the same and that’s why I call him my son and I don’t put that label on him. The same love and care you give to one you need to give to all children, and the same thing goes for their mother. Even though we’re not together anymore I still treat her as if she is a queen and they are my little kings. Love and respect go a long way and no matter what the situation or circumstances you just have to have the same values and principles and standards.”

Having a Boy

Raising a mini-you.

Justin: “It’s so much easier because I couldn’t have had a girl first. I would’ve been wrapped around her finger. It helped that I have five brothers, so I’ve seen my mom raise five boys, so it was more so I’m raising a little me. The responsibility weighed so much more because I’m responsible for molding a young Black man into society from birth. That’s how it feels raising a boy. I’m literally looking at myself through just a different set of lenses. He’s seeing life for the first time and I get a chance to guide him through that.” 

Devonte: “It’s a party every day. If one son sees me doing something with one son the other one will come up daddy, daddy, daddy, and he’s got to show me something now and so now I’m trying to play the game with one, the other one is trying to show me his gymnastics and the baby will come through in the middle and he wants to show me something. He wants to push his brother because his brother’s in the way and its chaos. It’s lovely chaos on a regular basis but it’s awesome.”

“Honestly, I tell my wife all the time I can’t wait until they get older. I want them of course to stay young but I can’t wait until they do get to the age of like 14-15 because our relationship is going to be so amazing. I can just imagine the things we’re going to be able to do together and the discussions we’re going to be able to have because we’re so close and because of how much time we spend together.”

What It’s Like to be a Black Dad Raising a Black Child

Preparing your children for the world they live in.

Kensington: It means a lot. It’s super special. I think as Black men we are some of the strongest individuals in the world. As a Black man you know the trials and tribulations that a son is going to face and how he’s going to be counted out just because of the color of his skin in the beginning without someone knowing who he is as a person, how he thinks intellectually, the true intent of his nature and his character. Those are things that are hard, hard truths that you have to face. But all in all, being able to set a good example for my son, being able to model the way, especially because my son never got a chance to witness me playing football, but he’s been able to witness me have academic achievement, personal life achievement, and success in working. Him being able to see those things means a lot because it shows him that yes you can achieve as a Black man in this world.”

Jeremiah: “It’s amazing and a lot of work at the same time. She’s beautiful, one thing… that’s my little princess. It’s another to have the patience and have the time to raise a Black woman as a Black man. I’m trying to teach her all the lessons my mom taught me and then some just to make sure she is fully prepared for the world that she lives in now.”

From One Father to Another

Knowing what you know now, what would you tell other dads?

Zach: “For other dads I would say once they find out their significant other is expecting to just make sure that they are there. I think that’s definitely taken for granted for the woman to have somebody to lean on and have somebody to experience those different things whether it’s the doctor’s appointments and the ultrasounds, somebody to really share those memories with I think it definitely goes a long way… and don’t beat yourself up if you don’t feel like you don’t know everything. I think they say for women it’s kind of natural for them to come into that mothering nature and to have those instincts but for guys it kind of takes a little bit longer to develop, but don’t beat yourself up too much.”

James: “Always put your child first because once you put your kids first everything else will manifest. Sometimes it’s hard because you’re like ‘how am I going to do this?’ but just put your child first. Spend that time with them, make that phone call, take them on that father and kids date, just continue to put them first because the joy and the feeling you get from that makes you feel like you can conquer anything else.”

Anthony: “Be honest. I think as parents we try to make our kids think we’re perfect but if you’re honest with them and teach them love and respect for themselves, one another, and for God, then they will respect you more for being open with them and being honest. Let them know that you mess up as well and that you are on this journey and you are new to this being a father. If both of you’ll let each other know what is going on in your lives and what is happening I think you can grow together instead of trying to guess or figure out what each one is going through or what each one is thinking. 

“It’s being open and honest with your kids and showing them that love and respect, the same respect you show strangers out here in the streets. I don’t talk crazy to my kids. I don’t call them out of their names. I tell them that they’re smart, they’re brilliant, they’re good. I put encouraging words in them and that goes a long way so just do the best you can and always be on a positive note with your kids and I think it’ll pay off and they’ll respect you in the long run and then you’ll have that open dialogue for the rest of your lives.”

Something You Need to Know

A message from fathers to their kids.

From: Kensington Shields-Dutton

To: Kaden Shields-Dutton

“Put your heart into everything that you do and if you can’t put your heart into it and can’t have passion behind it, then it doesn’t accurately reflect that it’s for you.”

From: Zachary Evans

To: Xavier Evans

“Xavier… know that you are loved, know that I am proud of you and whatever you decide to do in life and that I will always be here to support you and love you.”

From: Jeremiah Ball

To: Amari Ball

“Don’t do things to please anyone but do whatever it is you want to do to please yourself and to please us your parents. I’d just like to tell her that I love her to death and I’m always here for her.”

From: James Hosey

To: James Hosey III and Kimora Hosey

“You’ll are fighters. I’ve witnessed you’ll fight through barriers and obstacles so even with my daughter not being here I believe that she’s in heaven still fighting… and you know my son with him being a kid with disabilities I believe he’s still fighting mentally, physically and spiritually.”

“Keep fighting, keep trying, and don’t allow anything that you come across in this world to stop you from accomplishing what you want to accomplish.”  

From Justin Thicklin

To: Malik Thicklin

“In life we want to protect our children from so much but it’s inevitable that they’re going to see the bad. Never let the bad outweigh the good. You always keep your head straight and focus on the good things because there is so much negativity you can see in the world and the negativity is so enticing to participate in but see the glass half full instead of half empty.”

From: Anthony Snell

To: Channing Atkinson and Chase Snell

“Keep God first, family next, and never hold back. Never let anybody tell you that you can’t do something. With God and your abilities that he’s given you, you can be anything that you want so don’t let anybody limit you to their reality. Make your own reality.”

From: Devonte Bennett Bey

To: Caidyn Bennett Bey, Cash Bennett Bey and Caiyo Ryu Bennett Bey

“Do what you have to do to do what you want to do, and you can do all things through Christ. All things are possible. As long as they know and firmly believe that I’ve learned from personal experience there’s nothing that can’t be done.” 

Happy Father’s Day to all of our Black dads! Your continued contribution to the lives of your children is valued, recognized and appreciated.